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#89155 - 02/05/10 09:15 PM Re: Le Divorce [Re: LaSalleUGirl]
essay
Ching Shih


Registered: 08/18/01
Posts: 1738

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There's no way to paint a pretty picture of it, that is one sucky situation. Legal advice is going to be really important, I think. But just keep going. Chug on along ahead and don't think this is where life ends up or anything. It's just a bog. Okay, a deep bog, but not quicksand or anything.
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#89165 - 02/07/10 02:54 AM Re: Le Divorce [Re: LaSalleUGirl]
naomism
Ching Shih


Registered: 11/18/02
Posts: 757
Loc: Iraq

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Amanda, I'm so sorry you're going through this. If he's unemployed, I doubt you can get alimony (usually it's paid from the employed spouse to the spouse who stayed home with the kids). What you can argue for is a larger share of the community property and restoration to your sole ownership of what you came to the marriage with. In my case, I kept all my investments and retirement funds (he kept his) that we'd had before we got married; we split what we'd accumulated after the marriage. Your attorney should be able to give you more details about this.
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#89166 - 02/07/10 03:10 AM Re: Le Divorce [Re: naomism]
naomism
Ching Shih


Registered: 11/18/02
Posts: 757
Loc: Iraq

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I'm now in the middle of a custody battle.

When we divorced, we agreed to (uncontested) shared legal custody but I would have primary physical custody and he would have visitation. He didn't want childcare responsibilities since he was working in Iraq as a contractor at the time. He kept that job for about five months after we divorced. He was unemployed for a few months and then went back to work for the same company in the US. We had, just by mutual agreement, lowered his child support payment because what was in the divorce decree was based on the insane income from his contractor job. After working for a few months, he then joined an Army Reserves unit and was immediately activated to deploy to Iraq. We adjusted child support again (a little higher) based on his Army income.

He deployed in December 2008 (and, in the meantime, married some woman he had met on the internet in October 2008 right before his train-up started--he's never lived with this woman). I deployed in May 2009 and left my daughter (now 5) with my best friend as had always been the plan, even when my ex and I were married to each other and had to do a family care plan (all dual-military couples are required to have a plan in place in case they both deploy simultaneously). While he was deployed, and right before I was supposed to go, he sued me to lower his child support payment (mostly at the behest of new wifey--she has two kids and shares custody 50-50, receives no child support and lives in the same town as her ex). I counter-sued for back child support based on the divorce decree (he hadn't been paying the full amount) and we settled on an amount I thought was fair to my daughter. (He views paying child support as money for me; I view it as maintaining my daughter's standard of living and investment for her future.)

Then, when I was on mid-tour leave in November, he had me served for a child custody suit. He wanted Rory to come live with him and new wifey in Detroit when he returned from his deployment in December 2009. I didn't think moving my daughter in the middle of the school year and after she has become very well-adjusted with my friend's family was a good idea; I really didn't think it was a good idea to put her into a family dynamic where my ex was coming back from a deployment (which has its own set of issues), was living full-time with new wifey and her family in a new city for the first time, and he'd be unemployed--in Detroit. That just doesn't seem like a good situation and I felt throwing my daughter into the mix wouldn't be in her best interests.

So, we had a hearing in January (I didn't go; I sent a memo from my commander stating that I'm on active duty, deployed and covered by the Servicemember's Act of 1941 that protects me from civil law suits). The judge agreed and I have a continuance until May after I return. Of course, I'm still out retainers and lawyers fees in two states (Nevada for the child support battle last April/May and South Carolina for the attorney who represented me at the hearing).

Now he's backing down because I have shown evidence of Nevada residency (and his attorney has probably told him he can't get permanent custody without proving I'm an unfit mother--which he can't do). I'm debating on seeing it through and going to court in May just because I want this ended and I want him burned so badly he won't try suing me for custody ever again.

He hardly participates in my daughter's life and wanted custody because he has new wifey to do the actual care-giving and didn't want to pay child support. I feel as though he's trying to use my daughter as a weapon to get at me through the legal system. If I agree to let go of the case in South Carolina, my fear is that he'll turn around and try to sue me in Nevada while the legal fees just keep mounting. So, I keep going back and forth, but mostly, I just want him to stop and leave me alone.

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#89168 - 02/07/10 02:15 PM Re: Le Divorce [Re: naomism]
essay
Ching Shih


Registered: 08/18/01
Posts: 1738

Offline
Naomism, I would think just being deployed without any of the rest of it would be enough for any one human being to deal with. It sounds like you've got the right priority in thinking of the best interests of your daughter and I hope you can keep a clear focus on that. Good luck!
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#89177 - 02/08/10 06:41 PM Re: Le Divorce [Re: essay]
Amanda the Nasty
Ching Shih


Registered: 03/08/06
Posts: 196
Loc: Salt Lake City, UT

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My husband is not currently unemployed. He was unemployed last January through last April, but he is now employed. He makes nearly twice as much as I do and has no bills other than our combined bills. He is living with his parents and does not pay rent to them. The attorney I spoke with assured me this would be taken into consideration when determining spousal support.

I am very lucky that we don't have kids.

I made the mistake of bringing up the alimony issue with him at a restaurant last night. I had driven us to the restaurant. After trying to discuss working out the divorce and that I felt like I should get alimony, I went to the bathroom. When I returned, he had left!

That's an awful situation, naomism. I don't understand why so many exes see child support as something the custodial parent is using for himself/herself instead of support for the child. I'm sure there are parents out there that don't use the support for the child, but it should not be the default way of thinking about it. I hope you are able to resolve the issue without too much cost to you and your child.

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#89722 - 06/20/10 08:11 PM Re: Le Divorce [Re: Amanda the Nasty]
naomism
Ching Shih


Registered: 11/18/02
Posts: 757
Loc: Iraq

Offline
Amanda the Nasty - I hope you do get alimony since your husband is making more than you. Please let us know how everything turned out.

The custody case was dismissed in South Carolina, so now he's suing to reduce child support in Nevada (much as I had predicted). My lawyer on retainer in Nevada is all over it. My ex is making himself look willfully unemployed and has refused to provide documentation about his wife's finances (which tells me that she does quite well). He's starting graduate school this fall and claiming he won't have an income--though he left his job in Tennessee to move to Detroit to live with the new wife. My lawyer is writing all kinds of things into the new agreement that puts a moritorium on him suing me for custody or a reduction in child support (though I can sue to increase child support and he's also obligated to report his income every year) whenever I want to.

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